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| Music: Robbers - Cold War Kids
I don't think Illustration really suits me. I don't enjoy it at all. I don't like the people on my course. I don't want to go in and study for it. I hate it infact. But when it's £3,070 a year, and my parents are paying for it, how much of a lazy ungrateful bitch would I be to quit now? And besides I'm too proud to quit. I might come out with the worse degree but I would've completed it.
But do I want to live my life like this? Not to quit but only ever getting mediocre grades?
I want to get away. Is it healthy for me to frequently think like this? Is it okay to want to escape from it all the time?
I think my life is very unfullfilling. I don't have many responsiblities (if at all). Nor a rountine. I drift in and out of time and days seems to blur into one ball of nothing. And there was a point in my life that was filled with just drugs. Nights would be amazing, with ym friends. Days would be avoiding college. Or perhaps coping with a come down at work. I went to work. Work meant having money. Money could buy me a place to escape. And sometimes the temptation to go to that place again to not think of how little I actually contribute to society is a killer. I'm a day dreamer. Being on a high makes those dreams come true. If only for the night.
I've replace drugs with something else. Something more hurtful. Being with someone for the night was better than being alone and facing your fears. Being with someone and fucking them takes your mind away from your own faliures. Then the sun comes up and you're just you again. You're go back to worrying about not meeting that deadline or thinking of a quick way to get some money for booze. And fags. Never forget the fags. Smoking gives you two to three minutes to not do what you have to do. It's a break.
And in the morning you swear down you're a changed person. You tell your friends you don't want that shit. Because it's empty! For a few days, you keep to it. You resist temptation. Then you go out for the night. Something is always floating around. Especially in Portsmouth. Anything's available at any given time. They ask would you like some? Well ofcourse. What a fucking stupid question. You're high. Your friends are high. Do you even know them anymore? Do you even know half the people that you're sitting around with? You're talking about life. Here we go again and somewhere in the night the subject religion always comes up. Think I've had this conversation so many times that I can spout out any shit and they all sit and nod and think I'm intelligent. It's not. Don't you guys remember I actually said this shit to you last week? Idiots. No I don't want to hear about your theory on why marriage would not work nowadays. Keep it to yourself. Because you told me last week when I was talking my religion bullshit.
So we're all high and what a coincidence that he phones you. How come he never calls when you're sober? When you can actually think straight and you have good judgement. Because now everything's a yes. When you're high, you become a Yes person. Fancy a cuddle? Yes yes and yes.
ARGH. Vicious circle.
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| Music: Slow - Kylie Minogue.
Hello. I'm well.
I miss Hong Kong. I never thought I'd say that, but I really do. I miss the early mornings and beautiful food.
I don't miss the ruthlessness of the locals though.
The weather's great in Portsmouth and I want to set up a BBQ. I wish we had a garden. My folks used to have a great big BBQ every summer, where the cousins adn friends would come round to eat and be merry. But it feels like a lot of effort to go back home now for a BBQ.
I'm going to Toronto with Andy in June. He's finished uni and I'm really proud of him. I'm scared, I hope I would be able to manage my course as well he has when the time comes.
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| Music: Far Away - Martha Wainwright
Ah I'm spoit!
I've had two new toys this year already. My lovely Holga camera and a MacBook Pro.
See, I've been good so Santa delayed the coals for another year.
AND I'm going to Hong Kong for the first time in seven years in Easter!
YAYYYYYY.
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| Music: Save Room - John Legend
I've done pretty much all my Christmas shopping par one person. I knwo what to get he rbut I'm a few bobs short. Argh. It'll have to wait, I'm sorry. 
I think I've completely spoilt Andy. Bought him a bloody Starbucks mug cos I think he mentioned he wnated one a while ago. Some Crabtree & Evelyn smellies and some leather gloves. His main present is a Bose Companion 3 speakers for his computer. Hope he likes it. 
My Dad's going to HK on the 30th to sort out my Grandads death which was over the summer. Initially, the whole family were suppose to go along but I have commitments to my work. sucksucksuscks.
Been working everyday this week, got tomorrow off and then helping out the folks on Saturday night then working on Christmas eve....gonna finish late cos of POS change. 
Then xmas eve party then after Christmas, I'll be going to the Portsmouth vs. West Ham game in Laanndaaannn on Boxing day. weeeeeee!
Hope everyone has a good Christmas and that you all get what you want. I'll be recieving no presents until my dad comes back to get me a laptop HOPEFULLLYLYLYLYL fingers crossed etc.
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| Music: The Heart of the Matter - India Arie
What the fudggins is going on at Boxing Day? I've heard from a few people there's gonna be some Chinese party but tbh I doubt I'll go. I have tickets to go watch Portsmouth play against West Ham instead. weeee!
Before anyone throws an "OMG football is lame" comment in my direction, I'm gonna say "nuh uh, not on this page you don't."
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